Friday, July 25, 2014

a place for myself-an old post post from July

Hal had to do some work for his Dad today...on his day off. He's been gone all day. Missing him immensely. It's been a long week. Thankful tomorrow is Friday! I have to come up with some plans for the boys and I next week because a 3 week break before school starts for Jeremy turned into a 4.5 week break (3.5 weeks left) and he's already losing it without structure!!! We just sent in paperwork for the new school year for him. He will still be in the County of SJ special education program but the location will be the school right down the street! Both him and Ian will be walking together (with me of course) to school starting August 20! So awesome. And I keep hearing the head teacher is awesome. YAY!

I think I need a break. From my brain. Been feeling less than lately and I know not to go down that road. Feeling like I have no one to talk to, that understands me, except Hal. Feeling alot of things that are just not true. I need to find...shoot. I don't know what I need to find. I need to get out of my own head is what I need to do. I've been feeling really good physically lately because I have been seeing all the work I've done on my body, in the mirror and feeling better in general and trying not to poison my body with bad food. What I haven't been doing is feeding my mind and my soul with good things. It's constantly worrying about one thing to the next to the next to the next with no break. Jeremy. House. Ian. House. Money. Summer. Money. house, etc etc etc. I don't necessarily need a day off or a vacation. I just need a way for my mind to be free and be creative in some way. I'm having many doubts as well. Doubts about my abilities as a Mom mostly. I know I have the wife and homemaker thing down. And every time I think about having to get a job i freak out because I have no idea what I want to do and I don't want to rack up more school debt.
I really don't know what my problem is. I know I have an awesome life. I just think i could be doing things better, more perfect, more....IMPOSSIBLE.

At the end of the day I have to tell myself that I'm doing my best. I have a lot on my plate. If I get to it, I get to it. What does the world expect? Perfection?

Yes, I'm that Mom that lets her kids watch more than enough TV certain days. I'm the Mom that lets her son with autism run around the house half naked with her Iphone for hours because it keeps him happy. I'm also the mom that makes good food for her kids, plays with them, makes sure they stay safe, kisses, hugs and showers them with "i love yous" as much as I can. I'm also a mom that yells. I'm also the mom that sings silly songs to make them laugh but also makes sure they do their homework! I'm also a Mom that prays.

This blog is not meant to do anything but give me an outlet. I don't want to be famous, I just want to be understood. AND if you don't have anything nice to say...then say something nice anyway!